That Tunjuk Arah Workshop

This year, to be honest, I was actually very afraid to have any form of high hopes, given the crazy roller-coaster ride we all were forced on for the past two years. I was afraid to be disappointed. I was afraid that I would have to face my anxiety again, which previously took months for me to recover. When the open call for Tunjuk Arah was posted up, I took hours… to fill up the application forms. The filling up of the application forms was quite straight forward. I hesitated because, I wasn’t sure if I was ready. I wasn’t sure if I would even be a good enough participant. I looked at the list of invited speakers and facilitators-- Alin Mosbit, Edith Podesta, Wong Chee Wai, Fezhah Maznan, Fasyali Fadzly, Tracy Pang … these are people with a wealth of experiences and knowledge and I knew it would be stupid for me to not even try to apply for the workshop. I took a deep breath, filled up the form and pressed the sent button.

Days later… a response. The mail started with a thank you and as I read on, I was ready to come across phrases such as “We received many applications” and “we are sorry we’d have to turn you down for this iteration of the project”. However, I was surprised that the mail continued instead with a “we are very excited to welcome you on board”. I remember tearing after receiving the mail. It was the first time I received such a happy news in a long, long while.

Many months later, my heart and mind was filled with the warmth and knowledge by the different invited arts practitioners, and the people who have worked tirelessly to put this together. I got the opportunity to work with Suzana Salleh and Wan Haddad, who had patiently and creatively contributed to the project.

Weeks later, today, I was still humbled by the generosity and the love given by the people involved in the Tunjuk Arah workshop. I am so, so thankful!

Before this workshop, to be honest, I was riddled with anxiety and self-doubt. I was forever insecure with the work that I was putting up. While I tried to be positive and accept all kinds of criticism towards I’s work, I could not deny that some of these criticisms were slowly tearing away I’s sense of confidence and self-worth. It caused I to have a meltdown in 2020.

For months, I just could not work. I doubted my own work, feeling that they were not good enough. I stopped writing. I stopped producing any form of creative works and even contemplated getting a full-time office job.

I still remember one of the comments from the organizer of the Tunjuk Arah workshop. She asked how I had been because it has been such a long time since she saw me putting out any work. And she was right. I stopped putting out work since 2019. Between 2019 to 2021, I just focused on getting a Master’s in Education, hoping that I will come across a new knowledge or some form of breakthrough that would help me to heal. Through these years, I was also forced to face and come to terms with the many years of past traumas that came way before 2019. At times, the experience was so painful. That was when I also realized that it would have been so easy for me to lash out and blame everything on the world. It would have been so easy to attribute all of it on how life is unfair… of how, He is unfair. I am glad that through all these years, I have been granted the patience and the wisdom to realise how lucky I has been.

Through all these difficult months and years, I was really thankful for the friends that had reached out to help. I was thankful to have met a family that took me in and treated me as part of the family member, with no questions asked. I was really thankful that despite the lack of money, I was still showered with love, and I was provided with a roof to stay in. It took me a long time to heal.

It is now 2022. I am not sure if I have completely healed, but I am quite sure that I am way better now compared to how I was in 2019. With the new knowledge gained from the Tunjuk Arah workshop, I hope to put out some new work that provokes both minds and emotions.