What do you get when you stretch an empty can and then hit it? The sound of emptiness is simply amplified. That is exactly the same result when you stretch one book of nothingness into a trilogy of 2.5 hours each. Emptiness amplified!
Director
Peter Jackson returns to J.R.R. Tokien‘s Middle-Earth with The Hobbit: The
Desolation of Smaug, the second entry in a new series of films that serve as a
prequel to The Lord of the Rings trilogy.
Bilbo
Baggins (Martin Freeman), along with Gandalf the Grey (Ian McKellen), Thorin
Oakenshield (Richard Armitage), and his twelve companions, continue on their
quest: to reach the Lonely Mountain and reclaim the kingdom of Ererbor (and its
golden treasure) from the dragon Smaug (Benedict Cumberbatch), the “Chiefest
and Greatest of Calamities.”
Bilbo and
his companions venture into the black forest of Mirkwood, where they are
attacked by giant spiders and captured by Wood-elves. Enter Legolas (Orlando
Bloom) and Tauriel (Evangeline Lilly) in a storyline created by Jackson to
expand The Hobbit narrative and give the story a female character, which it
desperately needs.
Unfortunately,
the kick-ass She-elf is immediately thrown into a love triangle involving
Legolas and Sexy Dwarf™ Kili, who isn’t really that short and looks nothing
like a dwarf. That’s Kili, by the way, not to be confused with his brother
Fili, aka Dwarf Andy Samberg™, or Thorin, who is, of course, Dwarf Viggo
Mortensen™.
Dwarves,
Wood-elves, Wizards, Skin-Changers, Giant CGI Bumble Bees, Dragons, Bard the
Bowman, Stephen Fry – there are so many characters fighting for screen time in
The Desolation of Smaug, the Hobbit – you know, the guy this movie’s supposed
to be about – gets pushed to the back of the line.
Sure he
kills a few spiders, goes white-water rafting, and has a chat with a dragon
that sounds a lot like Hindustan Darklord, but for the rest of the film’s
161-minute runtime, Martin Freeman is invisible – even when he isn’t wearing
the One Ring.
Jackson’s
second Hobbit film feels more like Legolas: Origins, with Orlando Bloom (and
his CGI double) surfing down stone staircases on bloated Orc corpses,
slaughtering thousands of pixels with his Elven bow. This is just one example
of how The Desolation of Smaug is too concerned with acting as a bridge to The
Lord of the Rings trilogy instead of telling its own story.
In addition
to Legolas, there’s a throwaway reference to Gimli, and a scene where Gandalf
and Thorin meet at The Prancing Pony (where the Hobbits meet Aragorn in
Fellowship of the Ring). Hell, even Sauron makes an appearance. Jackson would
rather remind us of his previous films than focus on Bilbo’s journey.
Remember
Star Wars: Episode II – Attack of the Clones? Remember the bad, unnecessary CGI
– like Yoda bouncing around like a rubber ball, or that terrible droid factory
scene? Replace Yoda with a Wood-elf and the droid factory with a dwarf forge
and you’ve got essentially the same film.
If Jackson’s
Lord of the Rings trilogy was this generation’s Star Wars, then The Hobbit
films are the new Prequels – a series of shiny, empty spectacles where green
screens and polygons have become more important than storytelling.
