A new Transformers movie is here. Which means it’s time for
us film critics to once again experience a collective existential crisis. I
can’t think of another franchise that drives so many of my fellow writers so
crazy but still goes on to make bazillions of dollars. That’s why I’m not going
to try to talk you out of seeing it, if you’re so inclined. Nor am I going to
shake my finger at you for enjoying the Bayhem. I myself loved the first
Transformers movie, and did catch myself grinning from ear to ear like an idiot
for about 40% of Age of Extinction. Michael Bay is very, very good at some
things, and filming gigantic robots destroying major cities is one of those
things.
This fourth installment is meant to be somewhat of a reboot,
saying buh-bye to Shia LaBeouf and hello to Mark Wahlberg (there’s a “say hi to
your mother” joke in there somewhere…) as the star of not only Age of
Extinction, but also a new trilogy. Wahlberg fully embraces his penchant for
dramatic inflections as Cade Yeager, a down-on-his-luck inventor with a
scantily clad teenage daughter, Tessa.
Cade comes across a crappy old semi whose parts he’s hoping
to salvage. But of course that hunk of metal is none other than Optimus Prime,
who’s been on the run since humans supposedly turned against all
Transformers—friendly Autobots and evil Decepticons alike—after the last film’s
climactic battle in Chicago.
All of the bad guys in the universe are now on the hunt for
Prime. In fact, a shady CIA operation, led by Harold Attinger (Kelsey Grammer)
has actually partnered with the Decepticon bounty hunter Lockdown in order to
exchange Prime for the “Seed,” which can turn an entire city into The Stuff
Transformers Are Made Of. The Seed is also what’s responsible for killing off
the dinosaurs 65 million years ago. You heard me.
When Attinger learns of Prime’s whereabouts and makes it
clear his team will kill anyone who gets in their way, Cade, his daughter and
her secret boyfriend Shane make the decision to try and protect the remaining
Autobots. Which means that for the rest of the nearly three-hour-long film (yep)
they’re constantly trying to stay one step ahead of the men in black. (Forget
what Agent J once told us, because the only people dressed in head-to-toe black
here are most definitely the bad guys.) During many a high-speed chase, Cade
throws the stink-eye at Shane (who happens to be a professional race car
driver, how convenient) and yells at his daughter for dating behind his back.
Good times!
In addition to their deal with Lockdown, the CIA has also
partnered with Joshua Joyce, a technology tycoon intent on building his own
Transformers. Right now he’s working with scrap parts of what he thinks are
Decepticons, but eventually he’s going to feel the need—the need for the
Seed—to create a full Transformer army that will help bring an end to human war.
(Uh, what?) Joyce isn’t fully aware of the government’s sketchiness, by the
way. He’s just a really rich and really smart guy who at the same time is also
really dumb.
So many inexplicable things happen in Age of Extinction. But
the best parts of the film remain what they’ve always been in the past: when
the Transformers actually transform and then get to fighting each other, when
we see newer and cooler additions to the gang (yay, Dinobots!), and when Bay
pulls back and lets us appreciate the Transformers in their full scale and
glory against a wider landscape. Specific highlights are (another) battle in
Chicago and an epic sequence in Hong Kong that includes not only an
Autobot-Decepticon-Dinobot brawl, but also a human-versus-human chase across a
rundown highrise.
Early in the film, it was clear that returning screenwriter
Ehren Kruger wasn’t worried about plot holes, because, hey, he didn’t care
about them in the last two installments, either. In fact, plot holes are to be
expected in a movie like this, and I don’t think the nonsensical-ness of it all
is going to bother anyone who pays $12 to see killer alien robots. But I wish
someone had thought twice about including product placement so obvious and
shameless and out-of-nowhere that it’s insulting. I’m talking to you, Beats and
Bud Light. Almost all attempts at humor fell flat, too, but that’s also nothing
new to this franchise. One tip, though, Kruger: leave the riffs on crappy
sequels to the guys over at 22 Jump Street, m’kay?
I could honestly overlook all of the stuff I’ve just
complained about and still enjoy a movie like Age of Extinction, I really
could. What I cannot overlook is when a movie touts “IN PARTNERSHIP WITH
HASBRO” in big bold letters at the very beginning and then later makes a joke about
what is or is not technically statutory rape (I am not making this up), on top
of having the GOOD guys toss around the word “bitch” throughout, on top of
countless other tone-deaf offenses. None of that stuff was necessary. There was
so much ickiness sprinkled across this movie, it caused a pit to form in my
stomach because of what has become of the toys my brother and I used to play
with back in the day. Grown men made the decision to include such ugliness in a
film rated PG-13 that’s marketed to young boys and that has a ton of children’s
toys associated with it. And as a result they made what could’ve been a
ridiculous but harmless popcorn flick into something that’s just… wrong.
The bottom line: More of the same.
