I begin thinking about the project in 2017. At that point of time, I was fascinated with the idea of discussing or pushing forth topics that are considered too heavy for young audiences. I remember reading articles by Mark Radvan, Edgar Bryan Kincaid and Jeanne Klein about pushing boundaries and challenging their intelligence so as not to infantilise them into thinking that they are too young to take actions.
In 2024, I finally gathered courage to begin writing my first draft. I found myself emotionally burdened as I feel so close to all the characters in the play. Afterall, I was indeed writing from my own personal experience. I completed the first draft in November 2024. Upon re-reading the script, I decided to edit out 80% of the script because I felt that the play became overly personal. I let my own personal emotion bleed into the script, and my fear is that it may therefore become unrelatable to my audience. I have to keep reminding myself, that I am writing for young audiences.
In May 2025, I let my actors read the 2nd draft of the script. I am thankful that they were honest enough to tell me that my script was bland. Not enough climax. The characters were flat. And they were right. In my second draft, I edited out all scenes and dialogues that I felt were too close to home. Upon reflection, I realised that I did this, not just because I wanted to make it safe for the audience, I wanted to make the play safe for me. So that I didn’t have to relive those moments that devastated my world.
On 25th May 2025, I came across an article by Angela Mathews about writing through grief. It wasn’t accidental. I was consciously searching for ways to overcome a very traumatic experience.
You see, in March 2025, my mother fainted in Johor Bahru. I was in Singapore when it happened. All I was given was a CCTV recording showing my mother collapsing with her head hitting hard on the concrete floor. I was texted, informing me that blood was coming out from her ear and nose. When she was finally transported back to Singapore, I was told to brace for the worst. I remember visiting her in the hospital. Her eyes were wide open but she cannot recognise who I was. I remember forgetting to breathe for a moment. My mind went blank. I knew back then that I was sad, but for some reason, my brain just couldn’t comprehend any form of emotion. My brain just stopped functioning, and I found myself reciting Al-Fateha. Life is funny sometimes; even at the worst moment, your lips will somehow utter Alhamdulillah… I remember telling my mother that if fate has it that we parted ways here, I think I am ready to let her go. She didn’t respond. Her eyes didn’t even flinch. I wasn’t even sure if she even registered anything that I have said. I remember, moments later after visiting her, I walked to the bus stop near the hospital at 11.25pm. I was the only one waiting for the bus. I remember crying at the bus stop like a 5-year-old, alone and cold, which is ironic, considering how crowded Singapore is.
Going back to the article, Angela Mathew suggested for writers to write about their own traumatic experience as a way to understand their own grief and reconnect to the world while healing themselves.
I took her advice and began writing and editing the play again. What made it difficult was that, every time I tried to continue editing the script, this whole traumatic moment, keep on replaying in my mind. I remember having to lie down and cry before I even made any progress writing the play. Sometimes, I lay awake at 3 in the morning because I cannot stop this memory from playing in my mind.
Despite the difficulty, I pushed myself to keep writing. Even though it was excruciatingly painful, I included scenes that I have personally experienced and lines that my mother repeated, into the play, because through those painful moments, I was also reminded the joy that we have shared together.
After days of editing and writing and taking in feedback from the actors and talking about the whole experience at length with my partner, we finally arrived at draft 12, the draft that we presented to the audience.
What truly warms my heart was to see and hear the young audiences respond to the piece. It wasn’t at all too difficult for them to understand. In that performance space, I find myself, laughing, gasping and crying along with them. They may be way younger than me, but they are so emotionally matured. I am glad that the play is able to connect them to the different emotions, the way I feel connected to the play.
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