Compliments are funny little things. On one hand, they can brighten your day — like a sudden ray of sunlight peeking through grey clouds. On the other hand, the wrong kind of compliment can make you wish the person had just kept quiet.
I still remember one time, someone told me, “Wow, you actually speak English really well!” I wasn’t sure whether to say thank you… or file it away under things-that-aren’t-really-compliments. The word “actually” stung. It’s like saying, “I didn’t expect much from you, but hey, you surprised me.” A smile on my face, but my brain was already rolling its eyes.
Let’s break it down.
1. The Genuine Compliment
This is the gold standard. The “I like the way you explained that idea” kind. Or the “That colour really suits you.” Genuine compliments are specific, honest, and without hidden agenda. You say it because you mean it. And the other person feels seen. I once had a student say, “I like how you make funny voices when you read stories.” That one stuck with me — because it was small, specific, and true.
2. The Backhanded Compliment
The dreaded one. “Wow, you actually look nice today!” It sounds like a compliment, but the “actually” sneaks in and bites. Or “You’re so confident for someone your size.” It pretends to lift you, while dragging you down in the same breath. With these, silence would have been kinder.
3. The Insincere Compliment
This is the “I’ll scratch your back, you scratch mine” version. Compliments dressed up as currency. “I love your presentation… by the way, can you help me with my report?” It’s not admiration; it’s negotiation. And the receiver usually feels it, that faint whiff of calculation behind the smile.
4. The Forced Compliment
Here’s where Asian culture enters the room. Growing up, many of us were taught to always be polite. Always find something nice to say. Don’t rock the boat. So we dig hard — maybe too hard — to fish out a compliment. “Oh… um… nice pen you have there?” It sounds awkward, and worse, it trains us to think compliments are obligatory, rather than heartfelt.
And when children grow up in an environment where forced or insincere compliments are the norm, behavioural patterns follow. They may begin to equate praise with transactions. They may doubt genuine compliments because they’ve been conditioned to hear flattery as sugar-coating. Or worse, they may avoid giving compliments altogether, afraid of saying the wrong thing.
Now, if this cycle continues, we raise a generation skilled at politeness but not at authenticity. We end up with kids who think “honesty” is a rude word and “compliment” is a social strategy.
So how do we change this?
Three Small Ways to Shift the Culture
1. Model Specific Praise
Instead of vague lines like “Good job,” say, “I like how you explained your thinking step by step.” Specificity trains young ones to see value in effort, not just in outcomes.
2. Normalise Silence
Not every interaction needs a compliment. Teach children that it’s okay to say nothing if they don’t mean it. Sometimes, the greatest gift you can give someone is simply listening.
3. Tell Stories That Value Authenticity
Folktales are powerful teachers. They slip past our defences and settle quietly in memory.
Take the Japanese folktale of The Honest Woodcutter. A man drops his axe into the river. The spirit of the river rises and offers him a golden axe and a silver axe. The man refuses both, insisting only on his plain wooden one. Impressed by his honesty, the spirit rewards him with all three axes. His neighbour, hearing this story, tries the same trick but lies — claiming the golden axe. The spirit, of course, punishes him with nothing.
The lesson? Honesty is rewarded. Pretence and performance — whether in compliments or confessions — will eventually reveal themselves.
If we start to pass on stories like this, and match them with everyday practices of sincerity, we may raise young ones who can tell the difference between a compliment that shines and one that clinks hollow.
At the end of the day, compliments are not small talk. They are mirrors. They show not just how we see others, but how we’ve been taught to see ourselves. And perhaps the biggest compliment we can give — in this culture, in this generation — is to mean what we say, and say only what we mean.
Written by: Adi Jamaludin
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